Phillies Phans: A Perspective on Phlorida

I’m a fan of one of the teams people love to hate, and I’m a lover.  I have to be, I’m a mom.  If there wasn’t estrogen in the world, babies wouldn’t be born and baseball greats wouldn’t be raised. 

 

Or baseball fans. 

 

And one thing’s for certain about Phillies phans: Everything’s about them.  Let me show you what I mean.

 

The thing that disgusts me most about Phils phans is they’re phair weather phriends.  (Get it?)  Well, Phils players might be members of MLB, but they proved they’re Phillies at heart when they swept the Marlins by doing what their own phans do best—kick ‘em when they’re down. 

 

And I loved every minute of it. 

 

It was nice to see our pitchers aren’t the only ones who melt down.  At least we didn’t have to bring in our right fielder to pitch the last inning.  But that’s not to say we wouldn’t bring Jayson Werth in to catch, especially when, in my own personal opinion, the Phils went downhill when Carlos Ruiz got hurt. 

 

I think the Phils deserved it, and I’ll tell you why: They signed cute little Carlos to a measly half-million dollar contract this year, and after his performance in the playoffs and the ’08 Series, that’s an atrocity.  As Thomas the Tank Engine would say, “Serves them right…serves them right!”

 

But don’t brush aside the “other” thing that happened in Phlorida: Jimmy Rollins sat on the bench.  Yup.  Did anyone happen to catch the article where Charlie Manuel spouted his perspective on Phils hitting, and then in the very next sentence Rollins was quoted as saying the skipper doesn’t know what he’s talking about?  Can you smell dissension in the ranks?  I’m a mom, and I can smell a dirty diaper on kid in a shopping cart two aisles away, and I’m saying something stinks. 

 

I hope they get it cleaned up soon.  The Mets are coming to town, and they’re already mad at Cole Hamels for telling it like it is.  But controversy or no controversy, I still love him.

 

I have to.  I’m a mom.  That’s what I’m designed to do.

NL East: Phillies Good, Mets Not So Good, Marlins Bad

If you are looking for a preview to the next Mets-Marlins or Phillies-Nats series, you will not find it here. This is just my look at the NL east right now, hope you enjoy it!

The Phillies have started to look good in the last week, they have swept the Florida Marlins in Florida and are now just a game-and-a-half away from the number one spot in the NL East.

This article is not about the Marlins, we all knew they would fall. But Mets fans, what about the Phillies? Are they going to run ahead in the NL East? 

The Mets are starting to look bad, and I for one am starting to panic. Yes, they won two out of three against the Washington Nationals, but they are the Nationals, they are a given win.

If they would have swept I would not be so scared, but if the Phillies can sweep the Marlins, then we should sweep the Nats.

The Marlins are now coming to New York to play the Mets in there new home. But it looks like they may end their losing streak very soon if the Mets starters can’t get things back in order.

You know the Mets are going to win one of them, the last one.

How do we know this? Two words: Johan Santana.

Santana was killing the Marlins last time they faced him, he struck out 13 and did not give up even one earned run. Murphy’s mistake gave Santana his only loss of the season.

The other two games are going to be harder, you have the great Hanley Ramirez leading his team in to battle against the not so good Mets starters, John Maine and Livan Hernandez.

It looks like all we can do is hope, hope the Mets starters get on the right track. If they do, then the Mets may be able to sweep as Santana comes to pitch.

Back to the Phillies, they are coming back home to face the Nats who are coming from New York on a good note of winning the last game against the Mets, hope they can use that momentum to beat the Phillies.

In the second day of the series, the Phillies will send Cole Hamels to the mound to start the game. 2009 has been hard for the 2008 World Series MVP. He has not done well for his team and is looking like he is in pain. 

His last time out the big man Prince Fielder hit a line drive to Cole’s back, he left the game after that.

If the Cole does not come back to last season’s form the Phillies will be in big trouble. Wish him the best even if I am a Mets fan.

Mike Kent also writes on a Wiki of the New York Mets called the Met Wiki. All and any help would be very much appreciated. If there are any questions you can write on my wall.

 

 

Phillies-Marlins: Can’t Wait for the Sequel

To everyone who resisted the desire to touch the clicker late in the impending shutout in Friday night’s Phillies game with the Marlins, I commend you.

I have but one thing to say: That’s why we call him Shane Victorino!

Did you see that?! His grand slam was sweet!

So maybe it wasn’t as immortal as the one he slammed when we crushed C.C. (wait, he prefers “CC’; I’m rolling my eyes here) Sabathia in the Playoffs, but it hit the spot, no doubt.

Right before that, I was about to fall asleep. Since almost nothing else happened for eight innings, the commentators busied themselves spouting records and lists and promoting Charlie Manuel’s new show. Then everything changed.

Victorino came to the plate, and the pundits started discussing who would pitch to him: Lindstrom, the Marlin’s freshly groomed pony, or Pinto, the man who could scare a batter to death with his face.

The intrigue grew as we waited to see if Shane would bat left- or right-handed. Switch hitting is such a turn on.

But when he stepped into the ball on the first offering, I got the sinking feeling that Charlie had given him the signal to get hit by a pitch.

No! There’s nothing honorable in that! He’s not Charlie Buttermaker!

My heart stopped, thinking my Shane, my fantastic Hawaiian hustle machine, was about to wimp out and end his 0-for-4 game by taking a pitch to the body (albeit a fine one).

“Say it ain’t so!” I implored.

But wait! That was just a diversionary tactic, as was the whole game! It was like a suspense novel that took eight grueling innings to build. Every now and then, the Phils like to do stuff like this (see the whole ’08 season).

There were other things that contributed to the fiinale that “brought the house down” last night.

First, the Phils sent struggling Brett Myers to the mound to make us fans sweat 44 pitches in the first inning. This served only to help the Marlins’ Dan Uggla break his 21 hitless at-bat drought with something as unbelievable as a three-run homer.

On the other side, the Fighting Fish brought on a pitcher with a 97 MPH fast ball and a slider that could pick off my Dreamsicle like a seagull at the beach. But wait…

Philadelphia had something (or a few somethings) to counter that. They cast Raul Ibanez as the “Zen God of Consistency” and Matt Stairmaster as “The Pinch-Hitting Guru.” Then Myers hit another closed-eye single, and the Phils flashed their first-in-the-MLB-in-fielding-percentage defense.

Next, they threw in “Little Lou Who” Marson, who, after almost cowering in his first at-bat, cracked a late-game single, and Chase Utley belted a verse of “Anything you can do, I can do better” with a one-run dinger. It was as though he and Shane were playing a game of home-run horse. But it gets even better…

Lindstrom just imploded. I thought seven runs and three walks in two-thirds innings was something that only happened to Phils pitchers. Whew!

Glad that notion was shattered.

And last but not least, just to add to the fantastical, the Phillies had 29,132 people in attendance. Yes, that number happened to include 1,540 dogs (yes, actual canine dogs) and one cat (what was he thinking?).

And there you have it. If that doesn’t have the makings of a 7-3, last-inning, Oscar-worthy victory, I don’t know what does. This wasn’t just baseball, it was the work of a professional scriptwriter.

With suspense like this, who cares that Charlie Manuel was born in a car?

Not me. I can’t wait for the sequel.

Brewers-Phillies: Philadelphia Avoids No Hitter by Milwaukee’s Dave Bush

Hey Phillies, congrats on your 2008 World Series Championship! However, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s now 2009 and you are underachieving once again. Let’s run down some of the statistics before I really get into this.

Philadelphia’s pitching staff is embarrassing themselves right now. They don’t even crack the top 10 in rankings in any of the following categories: ERA, BAA, OPS, SV, WHIP, and QS…and that’s just in the National League!

Get it together. I mean, for a team with such a potent offense, they should not be under .500 right now (6-8) and be getting outscored 72-87. Then again, after Thursday’s game against Milwaukee, maybe it isn’t exactly proper to refer to this offense as “potent.”

If you did not see the news, the Phillies’ powerful lineup was held without a hit into the eighth inning on Thursday against the Brewers. Surprising, considering Milwaukee no longer has C.C. Sabathia or Ben Sheets. So it must have been young promising pitcher Yovani Gallardo, their unquestionable ace at the moment, right?

Nope. It was Dave Bush.

I’ll say it again, so you know that you read it correctly. Dave Bush.

Yes, this is the same Dave Bush who came into Thursday with a record of 0-0 and a 5.40 ERA. In Bush’s three previous career starts at Citizens Bank Park, he was 0-0 with a 4.86 ERA in 17.1 innings, and in six career starts against Philadelphia overall, the right-hander was 0-0 with a 5.88 ERA in 33.2 total innings pitched.

Not exactly impressive numbers. Not to mention in his last start against the New York Mets, Bush gave up three runs to New York’s lineup the first time through.

[Read more…]

Milwaukee Brewers-Philadelphia Phillies: Slow Start But a Series Win Is OK

After losing a couple close series, the Milwaukee Brewers pulled out a close one against the defending champs, the Philadelphia Phillies.

In game one, the Phillies pounded the Brewers 11-4 even though Ryan Braun went 5-for-5 with four RBI and two home runs. But the starting pitching wasn’t there again.

In game two, Braden Looper took the mound and pitched six shutout innings.

Thank you.

Then the bullpen held up their end of the deal pitching three innings, only giving up one run.

The game ended in a 3-1 victory in favor of the Brewers thanks to Hardy’s long ball in the fifth and Mike Cameron’s two RBI double in the sixth.

In game three, the streaky Dave Bush was on the mound and pitched seven and two-thirds innings, giving up only two hits, one run, and four walks. The walks were a little high, but it didn’t hurt him.

Then Mitch Stetter came in for the final one and one-third inning giving up zero hits in that time.

The game ended 6-1, with the Brew Crew finding themselves coming out on top. The Brewers were able to win despite facing Phillies ace Cole Hamels.

Braun went 2-for-4 with two walks and a home run for his fourth on the season. Also, Fielder had three RBI and Hall took one ddep in the eigth inning.

Milwaukee Brewers: Thank You Braden Looper And Offense

Last night there was a breakthrough for the Brewers against the Phillies.

A starting pitcher, Braden Looper, went six shutout innings and only gave up five hits and two walks. Also only three of those runners made it to second base. These six innings made Looper’s ERA drop to 2.12.

Bad pitching going only a few innings has plagued the Brewers all season long so far, possibly being turned around starting with Looper’s outstanding performance.

Now he carried the Brewers for a solid six innings, but when he came out of the game I was a little worried about the bullpen.

Fortunately, they proved me wrong.

Mark DiFelice and Carlos Villanueva came in and each pitched a perfect inning. This set up a save opportunity for Todd Coffey.

He came in and shut the door on the comeback attempt, only after he gave up a home run to Jayson Werth and gave up a couple of hits to the Phillies.

It was still a 3-1 victory and Braden Looper went to 2-0 on the season.

It was a close game until the sixth inning, when the Brewers had runners at the  corners in Corey Hart and Ryan Braun when Mike Cameron came up to bat and delivered a two RBI double.

Finally? Blanton Gives Phils Their First Quality Start

The Philadelphia Phillies managed to play .500 ball despite not getting one, that’s ONE quality start from their pitching staff.

That is, until the newest co-pilot of the Redneck Express rolled through South Broad Street last night. 

FINALLY!

Finally a quality start from the defending champs!  The cold start should have been writing on the wall for anyone who has a grip on what has been going on around Citizen’s Bank Park in recent weeks.

For the starters, this staff simply hasn’t found their groove yet.  There has been a lot of distractions around the clubhouse with the most obvious being the loss of the legendary broadcaster, Harry Kalas.  He will be missed with sorrow and admiration. 

The phightin have also dealt with inclement weather, twice.  It’s hard to hit your stride as a starting pitching staff when you’ve already had two rain-outs in the first 15 games. 

Then there is the World Series hangover thing too.  Cole Hamels openly admitted to not being prepared for the start of this season.  I can only imagine how the extra month of pitching has affected the Phillies starting five… 

But Heavy B has corrected all of this!  He is the saviour of the staff!  Okay I’m just making bold statements now, but at this point in the season I think the starters will be settling in and producing more quality starts for the WFC’s (world F’n champs).

All of this positivity moving forward still doesn’t excuse the fact that it took 13 games to get one quality start from our boys. 

I’m just glad they got over that hump and are still floating around .500.  If our boys can string together a few series W’s then we should be looking more like the defending champs instead of our friendly rival the Nats. 

If this staff can catch up to the bullpen, the defense, and a few of the hotter bats then these guys have a shot at dominating the NL East.  This is just one fan hoping that comes together, sooner rather than later…

An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part Deux

…And now we return to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Yes, welcome back to part two of my two-part introspective look at Cole Hamels. So continuing our discussion on Cole Hamels, let me first start off by thanking the fine people at Cole Hamels Facts [dot] com.

So where did I leave off… oh, yeah the canonizing sainthood thing. If Cole Hamels was a country on his own, which he is, his chief export is/would be K’s. Barack Obama did not run against John McCain, because all of the Red States voted for Cole Hamels.

On the hit television show 24, whenever protagonist Jack Bauer needs help, he calls Cole Hamels. You don’t see Jack make the phone call, because it would shred Jack’s credibility as a terrorist fighter.

In honor of Cole, the national speed limit will be set to 35.

Cole Hamels actually won the final presidential debate while winning the clinching game five of the NLCS. Cole Hamels is the only person who is legally allowed to hunt any animal from a helicopter. He just throws fastballs at them, and occasionally at Sarah Palin to make sure she understands the “law.”

When people consult Cole Hamels on things, he always says yes, and it’s always good advice. Charles Darwin’s Theory says, “Survival of the fittest.” Cole Hamels’s Theory says, “The Mets will lose to Cole Hamels.”

Gotham has Batman and Robin. Philadelphia has Cole Hamels and Cole Hamels. Boston lost the last game of the ALCS on purpose.

Manny Ramirez called his old team and warned them about Cole Hamels making them look pathetic in front of a national audience.

Rick Ankiel lost his ability to throw strikes because he had a nightmare about Cole Hamels.

To save the country from financial crisis, whenever the DOW shows a downward trend Cole will throw a fastball. The DOW will immediately rise to its highest average ever. To commemorate Cole, the New York Stock Exchange will be renamed the Cole Hamels Stock Exchange.

The Phillies-Dodgers confrontation started when Shane Victorino heard Hiroki Kuroda say Cole Hamels isn’t handsome. Manny Ramirez wears a wig made out of Cole’s hair.  Therefore, all those lame Dodgers fans wearing those ridiculous fake dreadlocks are indirectly paying tribute to Cole.

That theory by some dead math guy states that: A squared + B squared= C squared. Well according to modern day math people, A squared + B squared = Cole Hamels.

The New England Patriots contacted Cole Hamels about being Tom Brady’s replacement, but during his tryout Cole broke both of Randy Moss’ hands with his amazing arm.

While in college, Cole Hamels’s professor made him write a 1,000 word essay about the greatest leader in american history, he wrote COLE HAMELS five hundred times and managed to get and A++.

Cole Hamels doesn’t lift weights like most people; that is… because he can’t. They just don’t make weight heavy enough to contain the guns of Cole Hamels. So instead of curling dumbells, Cole Hamels curls baby elephants.

When people need inspiration they pray to god. When Pedro Martinez needs inspiration, he looks at a baseball card of Cole Hamels, which he keeps in his hat. When Cole gets into fights, he punches people so hard that he breaks his own hand.

If Cole really wanted to, he could steal your girl and take care of business with her. He wouldn’t do such things though, because he’s Cole Hamels.

Chuck Norris ain’t got nothing on Cole Hamels. In fact it is said that when Chuck Norris went out for Halloween, he went as Cole Hamels.

Superman may wear Tim Tebow pajamas when he goes to bed; keyword may. It is fact that Superman wears Cole Hamels pajamas when he goes to bed. Cole Hamels would soon be put to work for PSE&G because he always puts opposing batters’ lights out.

When Cole gets Chinese takeout, he uses one chopstick. When he opens his fortune cookie, it says, “You’re Cole Hamels. Lucky Numbers? You tell me”.

By the time Cole has retired, they will have changed the best pitcher award from the Cy Young award, to the Cole Hamels award. Cole will win one Cy Young and 11 Cole Hamels.

Back to them math guys, they you can’t divide by zero. But Cole Hamels can.

US intelligence thought they had proof that Iran was testing nuclear weapons, but in fact it was just the sound of Cole Hamels’s fastball hitting a catcher’s mitt in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Cole’s changeup is so deadly that it used to be a federal offense. Cole had to get himself elected to the Supreme Court in order to change the law.

36 countries have national defense strategies designed to protect themselves against Cole’s left arm. Those plans are futile. Did you know that as young kid, Cole Hamels once had 27 strikeouts. It was a Tee-ball league.

George Bush claimed that the federal government was monitoring Cole Hamels actions because, “Any man with a changeup that deceptive must be monitored for national security reasons.” In actuality, Bush is afraid Hamels may attempt to have sex with his twin daughters. He already has, twice.

Upon hearing an ignorant fan leading and E-A-G-L-E-S cheer at a Phillies game, Cole Hamels approached the man and told him that he had lost the respect of Cole Hamels. The man was paralyzed with shame and died of hunger three weeks later.

Speaking of hunger, the famous Pat’s and Geno’s Steaks have since changed their respective named to Cole’s and Hamels’s out of genuine respect for Cole.

Alright here is are the final facts about Cole Hamels. Cole is so great that he makes suicide commit life. The only certainties in life are death, taxes, and Cole Hamels. Because of their effect on women, Cole Hamels’s pitching reels are considered pornography in 35 countries.

Last but not least: Chase Utley was heard saying during the introductions at the HR Derby, “BOO ? F*&# You.” He actually said, “NO COLE ? F&*# You.”

So that is Cole Hamels* in brief. I could make a ten to twenty part miniseries article on who Cole Hamels really is. But I won’t. But I will ask if anyone wants me to create a third and final article on Cole Hamels?

So the floor is open to you, the reader: “Should I make a part three about Cole Hamels?”

*Note: all facts and information are provided by CHF, Cole Hamels Facts [dot] com.

An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part One

So who is Cole Hamels? Well, Wikipedia defines Cole Hamels as “a left-handed starting pitcher who plays for the Philadelphia Phillies of Major League Baseball.”

Yeah, but who is the real Colbert Michael Hamels?

Hamels is really 100 feet tall. He just shortened himself to Major League standards. That way, hitters might have a chance in the batter’s box against him.

DNA tests will conclusively prove that Jamie Moyer is Hamels’s great-great grandfather.

The fact is Hamels is more than a person. He is a myth and legendary folk figure. I mean how else could someone outpitch Steve Carlton before they were born?

Could it be that Hamels is a mythic figure like Odysseus or Achillies? In short: Maybe, I don’t know for sure. What do people think?

So here’s the deal: Hamels. Yes, he is a left-handed starting pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, but he is also a legend. The late and great Harry Kalas once said that he could bring the heat.

It takes a legend to know a legend.

Scientists have tried to find out what the chemical makeup of Hamels is. They discovered that the chemical formula is IP9H0BB0K27, AND that those exact same scientists are renaming the fossil fuel coal.

It’s new name is “Cole”, and it has since become the greatest, never-ending energy source know to mankind.

Moreover, on the scientific part of Hamels, he has his own Periodic Table of Elements. It reads: 1F (fastball), 2Cv (curveball), 3Ch (changeup), 4Fu (brushback). Any exposure to 4Fu is instant death.

When someone asked a fan “who would have really won the 2008 Presidential election,” he responded, “Cole Hamels. But he was too busy winning a World Series for Philadelphia. So he let Barack Obama win.”

Though he’s only 24, Hamels can run for president because his jersey number is 35.

Remember that line from Franklin Roosevelt’s first inagural address during the Great Depression? “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Yeah that line. As it turns out, we may fear fear, but Cole Hamels? Fear fears him.

The only reason he pitches left-handed is because it was too easy pitching right-handed.

Hamels is used by the United States Government as an effective and legal use of torture. The application of mental or physical torture in order to obtain information or confession from a prisoner is commonly referred to as the “third degree”.

The only confirmed act that guarantees 100 percent success in securing information is showing the prisoner a life-size cutout of Hamels holding a baseball, from 60’6″ away.

While scores of people train to compete in the grueling eight-hour Ironman Triathlon (2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike race, and 26.2-mile run in succession), none are willing to take on the rigors of a 10-second Cole Hamels Triathlon, which consists of trying to hit his fastball, curve, and changeup in succession.

That course is simply impossible to complete.

The only way to be canonized into sainthood by the Catholic Church is proof that at least one miracle has been established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten as much as a foul-tip off of a Hamels pitch—and it may never be achieved.

Stick around for part two of my look into Cole Hamels.

Cardinals Not Quiet on Off-Day

The Cardinals may have not have had a scheduled game yesterday, but they made news all the same, trading minor league outfielder Brian Barton to Atlanta for Blaine Boyer.

My initial reaction on the trade was a decided “ugh.”  That led to quite a bit of Twittering as I defended my position that Barton was more valuable than what we received.  That line of thought seemed to be more prevalent at Viva El Birdos yesterday as well.  (Of course, I also was taken to task for stating I’d have rather them move Brian Barden instead, something I still hold.  Barden is more in line with the value of Boyer than Barton, in my book.)

Let me be clear, I’m not saying Brian Barton was a world-beater.  I’m not saying that he’d have seen a lot of time in St. Louis.  I’m not saying that he should have been kept at all cost.  What I am saying is that Barton was more valuable than a relief pitcher with shoddy numbers and that had already been designated for assignment.

If I have $1 million dollars to spare and I decide to give you $100 for a piece of gum, I can do it, but it’s still not the smart move.  Even though we have a surplus of outfielders, giving them away for apparently mediocre talent isn’t going to make the team any better, which is the purpose of minor league assets.

The positives on this trade seem to be that he had a decent first half but was over used (a la Kyle McClellan) and blew up in the second half and that we have Dave Duncan.  However, there are some that think the McClellan comparison is pretty weak.  While Duncan is the best pitching coach out there, remember that the last DFA pitcher that actually worked is Jeff Weaver.  Everyone thought Duncan could fix Mike Maroth as well.

I just don’t really see how this makes the team better.  Boyer’s allowed six runs in an inning and a third this season, and while I know he was kind of left out there to take one for the team, he still walked in two runs during a Phillies comeback against the Braves.

Time will tell, I guess.  The other downside to the trade, or the necessity to make it at least, is the fact that the Cardinals are now going to go with 13 pitchers for a while, demoting David Freese to Memphis (of course, after I said he was probably safe yesterday).  That means the bench, such as it is, will be Jason LaRue, Barden or Joe Thurston, whichever outfielder isn’t playing, and Brendan Ryan.  Not exactly a strength, huh?  Which may mean we see more pitchers batting when they shouldn’t, pitchers staying in the game because we can’t afford to pinch-hit, and pitchers pinch-hitting (I bet Adam Wainwright pinch-hits at least twice during this span).

All of that is intriguing, but the Cardinals have a game tonight to play.  Todd Wellemeyer gets the call against Oliver Perez and the Mets.  Wellemeyer has had some trouble with the big bats in the Mets lineup, especially David Wright and Carlos Delgado.  If he’s able to contain them, it could be a good night.  Hopefully he gets into the seventh or later and keeps the bullpen activity to a minimum. 

You never know which Oliver Perez will show up.  He’s had some good outings since he made it to New York, but has been torched a few times as well.  Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina have some good career numbers against Perez, so we’ll see if that carries over into tonight.  Pitchers Hit Eighth provides The Bird’s Eye View for this series and the YNOT is available as well.

The rotation is on Duncan’s mind as well, as they’d love to skip the fifth starter slot as often as possible.  That’s just not going to be possible too often, though.  Still, if the pitchers keep throwing the way that they have, having to use a fifth starter pales in comparison to dealing with the bullpen.

Finally, if this blog isn’t enough for you, you can also read my recap of the first two weeks of the Cardinals’ season over at Baseball Reflections today.

« Previous Page — Next Page »