An Introspective (and Slightly Humorous) Look at Roy Halladay

So, you think you know who Roy Halladay is? You could look at his baseball card, but all that will tell you is that he is a six-foot, four-inch, 230 pound right-handed starter for the Philadelphia Phillies. If you look at a website like Baseball Reference, all that will tell you is how he pitched (stat-wise) prior to being traded, and of course his current numbers with Philadelphia.

It’ll also tell you that Roy is a 13-year Major League veteran who has played 12 of those 13 years with the Toronto Blues Jays. Well, Wikipedia defines Roy Halladay “as a Major League starting pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. So, I ask the question—who exactly is Harry Leroy Halladay?

Well, after doing some very extensive, painstaking, humorous, and ridiculous research, I have started to put together a picture of who exactly he is. Here is what I found out:

First off, Roy Halladay isn’t right-handed, he is just bored. The only reason he pitches right-handed is because doing so left-handed didn’t offer him a challenge. The fact is, Roy could throw left-handed and still strike out 10 Mets batters (or 10 Yankees—your choice).

Roy Halladay is actually related to the infamous gunslinger, Doc Holliday. The only difference between the two is that Roy uses fastballs instead of guns and ammunition. The truth about Halladay’s height as well: Roy is actually 100 feet tall, he had to shorten himself to the required “under 100 feet tall” Major League Baseball standard/requirement. He does this so hitters might have a chance against him.

The fact is: Roy Halladay is more than just a person. He is a myth and a legendary folk hero. How else could someone out pitch Nolan Ryan and Grover Cleveland Alexander before he was even born? Or could it be than Roy is a figure of mythology much like Odysseus or Achilles?

In short, I don’t know.  Okay, so here is the deal after I did my research: yes, Halladay is a right-handed pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. We all know that. But Roy is also a legendary pitcher, just ask the New York Yankees whenever they have to face him.

There is some scientific proof of who Roy Halladay is. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. Scientists have tried to discover the chemical makeup of Roy Halladay. They [the scientists] discovered that the formula is IP9H0BB0K27.

Moreover, on the scientific makeup of Halladay, he has his own Periodic Table of Elements. The Table reads: 1Cu (Cutter) 2Cv (curve-ball), 3Ch (change-up), 4Fu (brush-back). As scientists discovered, any exposure to 4Fu causes instant death.  

Or did you already know that Roy Halladay defies the laws of physics? Though someone will tell you—actually, everyone will tell you—that you can’t break the laws of physics, so scientists had to develop a new theory which has become universally known as the “Roy Halladay Law”. Or how about that whole Pythagorean theory of “A Squared + B Squared = C Squared,” thing? Well is not that… what is it in reality? “A Squared + B Squared =Roy Halladay.”

Roy Halladay could run for President of the United States and Governor of Pennsylvania, but he is/will be too busy, helping the Phillies win the Division. Speaking of politics and Roy Halladay, Halladay is used by the United States as an effective and legal use of “Torture.” The application of mental or physical torture in order to obtain information or confession from a prisoner is commonly referred to as the “third degree.” The only confirmed act that guarantees 100 percent success in securing information is showing the prisoner a life-size cutout of Halladay holding a baseball, from 60 feet, six inches away.

Even religion is affected by Roy Halladay. For a person to be canonized into sainthood by the Catholic Church, there must be proof of at least ONE miracle needs to be established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten so much as a foul tip off of a Roy Halladay fastball and it might never be achieved. Moreover, if people converted to “Halladay-ism,” it would end the all of the world’s religious problems/issues. 

As for the last set of facts I found about Roy Halladay: did you know that Roy Halladay has a PhD? If you have been reading along or have been watching any of his starts, of course you did. Roy Halladay has PhD in K’s. But did he need to go to college to get it? No. Roy Halladay didn’t need to go to college, because he already had a PhD in strikeouts from a baseball powerhouse school known as: Dominant Mastery University .

Of course, Roy Halladay is proof that you don’t need a PhD, MD, EdD or even a G.E.D. to be a doctor or suffer through Medical School for that matter.

Did you also know that Roy Halladay could be used as a sort of “self-help” or cure for maladies, bad pitching mechanics, and bullpen woes? Yes, in fact, I had issues while I was a pitcher in high school. I changed my pitching mechanics to mimic Roy Halladay. I won 20 games and my Earned Run Average dropped five whole points [not 0.05 or 0.50 not even 0.55 but 5.00] to 0.57.

Once, Roy Halladay cut his hair and donated it to “Locks of Love” so an 11-year old cancer patient named Kelly could feel normal. Upon receiving Roy’s hair, she was instantly cured of cancer, grew nine inches, and could throw a change-up that even Roy was impressed with.

So, roughly, that is Roy Halladay in a condensed version of a nutshell. He is a robust and unique pitcher, ballplayer and individual. So much so that this very article could not/cannot contain an adequate amount of facts on exactly who Roy Halladay is. So if you want more, you can go to your nearest computer, log onto the Internet and go to Roy Halladay Facts [dot] WordPress [dot] com for more information. Roy Halladay Facts- The ORIGINAL crazy, absurd and ridiculous facts about an athlete. 

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A Farewell To Robin Roberts, a Truly Legendary Person

This is going to be my one of final articles here on Bleacher Report. I can honestly say that I enjoyed writing on this site. Now, I could write something narcissistic about how Bleacher Report has changed my life…but I am not.

Bleacher Report has changed my life. I have become a Sports writer and now I am the Sports Editor for Temple University Ambler Campus’ student-run newspaper my time here on “the Report” writing about the Phillies and Temple University Athletics. But it really hasn’t changed my life that much or to that extent.

The real reason I writing this is to pay tribute to Robin Roberts, the Hall of Fame pitcher who passed away yesterday. Another baseball legend has passed away.

Hall of Fame pitcher, Robin Roberts passed away at the age of 83. He was a huge cog in rotation of the 1950’s Philadelphia Phillies, which received the moniker known as “The Whiz Kids.”

Roberts is considered to be the greatest right-handed pitcher in the history of the Philadelphia Phillies franchise. Even greater than Grover Cleveland “Ol’ Pete” Alexander.

Roberts started his career with the Philadelphia Phillies in 1948 at the age of 21. Two years later, he and National League MVP Jim Konstanty lead the Phillies back to the World Series for the first time since 1915.

Roberts even pitched a Complete Game, 10 inning loss in Game 2, with the lone run coming off of a Joe DiMaggio home run.

I could go on and on about his career. Here are some highlights:

* He is second on the Philadelphia Phillies Franchise in Wins with 234. The only one with more wins with he Phillies is left-hander Steve Carlton.

*He is second on the Phillies Franchise All-Time strikeout leaders with 1871.

*Ranks first on the Phillies Franchise leaders for Complete Games with 272.

* Pitched 28 consecutive complete games.

* Won at least 20 games from 1950-55.

* He was 286-245 with 2,357 strikeouts, a 3.41 ERA, 305 complete games, 45 shutouts, and 4,688⅔ innings pitched in 676 games.

* He is the only pitcher in major league history to defeat the Boston, Milwaukee, and Atlanta Braves.

* Pitched a Complete Game, 10 Inning Loss in Game 2 of the 1950 World Series.

* He was inducted into the MLB Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y., in 1976.

* His number is retired at Citizens Bank Park and he has a statue on the first base side of the stadium.

That’s just a snippet of his legendary career. I have heard stories from my dad who got to meet him growing up in Germantown in Philadelphia.

My dad told me that Roberts used to do clinics at Germantown Boys Club. My dad said that meeting Roberts was one of the highlights of growing up. 

A few years ago in 2006, I even got to meet Mr. Roberts. He was one of the coolest, most awesome, kindest and down-to-earth people I ever got to meet.

I got shake his hand and I got a baseball signed by him. I can truly admit that getting to meet him had an impact on my life. 

I even got to have a little bit of a chat with him about pitching. I modeled my pitching mechanics off of his and a little bit of Roy Halladay’s as well.

He showed me a few different kinds of grips on the ball. It was truly one of the high points in my life that year when it had very few high points.

Robin Roberts was truly the complete package as a pitcher and as a man. He was never one to build himself up at the expense of others. Robin Roberts was one of the last true workhorse pitchers. In fact, he was gamer; he never liked to lose.

Roberts even called up the people at the Hall of Fame to change something on his Hall of Fame plaque. It referred to the 286 games he won, most of which were with the Philadelphia Phillies, and pitching for primarily “second-division” teams. His plaque now refers to a “tireless worker who never missed a start in the decade of the Fifties.”

So looking at that same autographed baseball that he signed, even though it’s in a case, it’s ink is starting to bleed. I can tell my future kids and grandchildren, that I got to meet a Hall of Fame pitcher… no person …with my dad. 

“His attitude was, ‘Give me the ball, we’ve got to win.’ There was no such thing as a pitch count or a quality start. You either won or you lost. He was the best in the league, so there was no sense in throwing anybody else. He was the best competitor I’ve ever known. He’d sit on the bench during a game and never talk to anybody. It was total concentration all the time .” –Bob Miller

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Mac Attack: Welcome to the Show(case) Edition

Welcome back to the Mac Attack, it has been a while hasn’t it? But guess, what? I am back again to host a party that never ends. Phillies party that this.

We have a lot to catch up on. In this edition of the Mac Attack: Brett Myers goes down and under the knife, Chan Ho Park, J.A. Happ’s ascent into the rotation, and a profile of rookie starter Antonio Bastardo and a look at the rest of the farm system.

All that plus trade rumors.

So let’s get this party started.

Brett Myers, one of the Phillies most consistent starters so far this year has gone down will what the doctors are agreed it to be a torn hip labrum. A torn hip labrum is the exact same thing that Chase Utley had received surgery his past offseason to repair.

Here are couple of medical definitions that way you are clear as to what everything is.

What is your labrum? The labrum is a ridge of cartilage that acts similarly to a suction cup and holds the hip joint together. It is similar to the rotator cuff in the shoulder.

What exactly is a torn labrum? According to the Mayo Clinic’s Web site, a hip labral tear involves the ring of soft tissue that follows the outside rim of the socket of your hip joint.

So according to the same site, what Myers experienced with the “catching,” “popping,” “locking,” and “clicking” sensations are both signs and symptoms of a hip labral tear.

Enough of the scientific and medical stuff, what does this mean for the Phillies? Myers got his second opinion from the same doctor who did Utley’s surgery. The doctor opinion concurred with that of the team’s doctor. Myers will need surgery and has elected to have surgery on his hip.

Myers has been put on the 15-Day Disabled List. Myers has been the Phillies most consistent starter so far this season. Myers is 4-3 with an ERA of 4.66 in 63.2 Innings Pitched in 10 starts. In those 10 starts he has struck out 46 while walking 20 giving up 33 runs (all of them earned).

The Phillies called up top pitching prospect, 22 year old left-hander Antonio Bastardo to take Myers’ spot in the rotation for now. Bastardo’s first major league start will be against Jake Peavy and the San Diego Padres tonight, June 2nd 2009.

More on Bastardo later.

Why is it that every year the Phillies have had bad luck or I should say no luck in finding a decent fifth starter. Kyle Kendrick was a nice fit, but he seemingly forgot how to pitch “Kyle Kendrick ball” or what got him into the rotation in the first place.

This year the fifth starter has not really been a bright spot for the Phillies. But that same fifth spot is starting showing some promise with J.A. Happ. The original fifth starter was Chan Ho Park.

Park is quoted as to pitching like he was still in spring training. That is a big no-no in my opinion. In seven starts this season, Park has gone 1-1 with an ERA hovering near 7.00 in 34.1 innings pitched.

Happ on the other hand has made himself a force to be reckoned with. In 12 games coming out of the bullpen, J.A. was 2-0 with an ERA of a little under 2.50, 2.49 to be exact.

Happ’s first start in this years campaign was against the New York Yankees on May 23, a very formidable opponent to face. But Jay faced them with stalwart courage and pitched some of the best Phillies baseball this season, going six very strong innings, striking out four, walking none, and surrendering only two earned runs.

Jay would not get a decision out of that game. Brad Lidge blew the save, and the Phillies would wind up losing the game.

Jay’s third win come against the Washington Nationals on May 29. Happ pitched 5.1 innings giving up three runs on three hits while walking three andstriking out five. This was second win this season against the Nationals, the first coming against them back on May 13 in extra innings.

In two starts this season, Happ is 1-0 with nine strike outs, three walks, on seven hits and an ERA of 4.00 exact. In total, Happ is 3-0 with 26 K’s, 12 BB, 11 ER and an ERA of 3.00 exact.

So if your wondering who Antonio Bastardo is, listen up! Because here at the Mac Attack, we do not like leaving people out in the cold about players.

Antonio Bastardo, a 195-pound, 5’11”, 24 year old left-handed starter-reliever from Hato Mayor, Dominican Republic. Bastardo is considered to be one of the best pitching prospects that the Phillies have.

In four seasons in the Phillies minor league farm system, Bastardo put up some crooked numbers. Bastardo is 18-9 with a 2.55 ERA in 55 games, 44 of which he started, and 264.2 innings pitched. Bastardo struck out 297 while walking only 116.

His 2007 minor league seasons at single-A Lakewood and Advanced-A Clearwater, Antonio went 10-0 in 16 starts with an ERA of 2.14 in 96.2 innings pitched, while striking out 110 and walking 45.

His 2008 minor league seasons at Advanced-A Clearwater and double-A Reading, Antonio went 4-5 with an ERA of 2.95 in 19 starts with 97.2 innings pitched, 109 K’s and 47 BB.

2009 saw a promotion for Antonio to triple-A, Lehigh Valley as well as a new role, reliever. At triple-A and double-A Reading in 2009, Antonio went 3-2 with an ERA of 1.90 in 11 games, sevenof which were starts in 47.1 innings pitched.

Showcasing anyone? I believe that Phillies just might be showcasing the future of their rotation in tonight’s (6/2) game.

 

Here are some of the pitchers from the Phillies minors system:

Kyle Kendrick (AAA): 4-4, 4.05 ERA, 11 GS, 60.0 IP, 37 K, 20 BB, 63 Hits, 27 ER

Carlos Carrasco (AAA): 0-6, 5.40 ERA, 10 GS, 55.0 IP, 58 K, 15 BB, 63 Hits, 33 ER

Joe Savery (AA): 5-1, 3.83 ERA, 10 GS, 54.0 IP, 37 K, 28 BB, 52 Hits, 23 ER

Vance Worley (AA): 4-3, 3.14 ERA, 10 GS, 63.0 IP, 44 K, 13 BB, 47 Hits, 22 ER

Kyle Drabek (Adv-A): 4-1, 2.49 ERA, 10 G, 9 GS, 61.1 IP, 74 K, 19 BB, 49 Hits, 17 ER

 

Here are the hitters:

Jason Donald (AAA): 43 G, 145 AB, 41 H, .234 BA

Lou Marson (AAA): 25 G, 86 AB, 19 H, .221 BA

Quintin Berry (AA): 45 G, 175 AB, 49 H, .280 BA

Michael Taylor (AA): 46 G, 164 AB, 56 H, .341 BA

Dominic Brown (A): 44 G, 161 AB, 51 H, .317 BA

Anthony Gose (A): 48 G, 189 AB, 47 H, .249 BA

 

Trade? You want to trade?

Here are some of the latest trade rumors that we have heard about surrounding the Phillies:

Roy Oswalt

“Doc” Halladay

Brad Penny

Jason Marquis

Jake Peavy

Jarrod Washburn

Erik Bedard

Personally I would love to see Oswalt, Halladay, even Brad Penny in a Phillies uniform. You can have Bedard, Washburn, and Marquis. Peavy is just a tad too exspensive, plus Peavy does not want to play for a Northeast team.

Most likey: Oswalt or Penny

Least Likely: Halladay or Peavy

 

So until next month, thanks for reading and remember have fun.

A Happ[ening] Phillies Report: Park, Happ, and the Farm

This is probably old news by now but… if you have not heard by now, the Philadelphia Phillies have removed Chan Ho Park from the rotation in favor of J.A. Happ.

I usually like to stay away from puns in the title, but this pun says it all. The Phillies have finally removed veteran Chan Ho Park from the fifth starting rotation spot and have put rookie J.A. Happ in his spot.

So in my triumphant return to the Report, I bring you my report on the Phillies. I apologize for the puns in title and in this article. I just could not help myself.

What is HAPP[ening] with Chan Ho Park and the rest of the rotation?

What sealed Park’s fate?

It could of been that Park was thinking that he had the luxury of a few bad starts. Maybe it was the fact the he could not get out of the second against the lowly Nationals.

To quote PTI host Michael Wilbon: “Anyone can beat the Nats…” and combine that with my own words, “yeah… except Chan Ho Park!” Even John Russell’s Pirates can beat the Nationals.

I will give credit to the Nationals. Everyone thinks that they are a bad team. No, they are not a bad team; they are a team with no direction from the upper echelons of their ownership, management, etc.

In his last start, Park barely managed to get out of the first let alone the second. Park pitched an inning and a third (1.1 IP) with just under 80 pitches thrown.

Park’s line from April:

0-0, 7.16 ERA in fourGames (three started), 16.1 IP, 20 H, 13 R (all earned), 10 K, 5 BB

Line from May:

1-1, 7.00 ERA in four Games (all starts), 18 IP, 21 H, 14 R (all earned), 12 BB, 11 K

Totals:

1-1, 7.08 ERA in eight total appearences (seven starts), 34.1 IP, 41 H, 27 R (all earned), 21 K, 17 BB.

Park in seven starts this season has an ERA of 7.29 and has struggled to make it to fifth inning four times out of his seven starts. Meanwhile, Happ in 12 relief appearances is 2-0 with an ERA of 2.49, allowing just six earned runs in just 21.1 innings pitched.

In a blog for MLB.com by former Philadelphia Inquirer Phillies writer and columnist, Todd Zolecki: Park is quoted as saying,

“Obviously, I had a little pressure. I felt like I was pitching like it was Spring Training, you guys asking me all the time, ‘Are you going to still have a job or not?’ I put pressure on myself.”

But the fact for Park was, it Just Ain’t Happening. Yes, that was a pun based off of J.A. Happ.

Does Happ’s entrance into the rotation mark a change for the Phillies rotation? Coming into Tuesday’s game against Cincinnati, the Phillies had the fourth highest staff ERA in the Majors with an ERA of 5.23.

I hope Happ does well in his first start of 2009, but I believe he will be held on a short “leash”.

250 will have to wait…

Jamie Moyer pitched a quality outing in true “Moyer fashion” this past Wednesday (5/20) only giving up three runs. The Phillies could not muster enough run support for “Doc” Moyer and lost 5-1 to Reds ace, Aaron Harang.

Moyer surrendered three runs, all earned, in six innings of solid, quality work. He kept the game close while striking out two and walking one lone batter.

I guess win number 250 will have to wait until Monday when the Phillies return home to face the scuffling Marlins. 250 wins is certainly no small accomplishment in today’s day-in-age of baseball. Players just are not playing that long anymore.

New York, New York

The Phillies start their first interleague matchup this Memorial Day Weekend against the Bronx Bombers, the New York Yankees. The Phillies will be facing the heart of the Yankees rotation.

Your projected starters for Friday, May 22 2009:

Brett Myers (3-2) vs. AJ Burnett (2-1)

Your projected starters for Saturday, May 23 2009:

J.A. Happ (2-0) vs. Andy Pettitte (4-1)

Your projected starters for Sunday, May 24 2009:

Cole Hamels (2-2) vs. C.C. Sabathia (4-3)

The Phillies will look to keep up their momentum while on the road after sweeping Washington and taking two of three from Cincinnati. The Phillies may be looking to bring up a right-handed bat, so my guess is that rookie reliever Sergio Escalona draws the short straw and gets sent down to Lehigh Valley or Reading.

The Phillies in turn will bring up either Miguel Cairo, Pablo Ozuna, or maybe even John Mayberry. Your guess is as good as mine.

Farm Report

Here is a look at several prospects at every level of the Phillies farm system with some thoughts about some of the players 2009 seasons.

Triple-A Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs

Kyle Kendrick: 2-3, 4.17 ERA, 8 G, 8 GS, 41.0 IP, 18 BB, 28 SO.

My thoughts: I still like Kyle. From what I’ve noticed and heard about Kyle, is that he has been throwing his breaking ball and off-speed pitches roughly 30 to 40 percent each outing. Throwing more of the breaking and off-speed pitches will help Kyle develop confidence to throw them. Look for Kyle to be back in the Show for the homestretch in August and September

Carlos Carrasco:0-5, 6.37 ERA, 8 G, 8 GS, 41.1 IP, 11 BB, 44 SO

My thoughts: Youth is not everything. Give him a few more years at triple-A, like the traditional Phillies prospect way.

John Mayberry Jr.: 36 G, .278 BA, 133 AB, 33 H, 8 HR, 25 RBI

Jason Donald: 38 G, .242 BA, 157 AB, 38 H, 14 RBI

Double-A Reading Phillies

Antonio Bastardo: 2-2, 1.83 ERA, 9 G, 5 GS, 34.1 IP, 7 BB, 39 SO

My thoughts: this kid can do it all. He can start, he can relieve, he can even close if you need him to. But I would like to see him get a full year at triple-A first before we start talking about the Show.

Vance Worley: 3-1, 3.14 ERA, 7 G, 7 GS, 43.1 IP, 9 BB, 37 SO

Quintin Berry: 32 G, .269 BA, 119 AB, 32 H, 6 RBI

Michael Taylor: 32 G, .308 BA, 104 AB, 32 H, 6 HR, 23 RBI

Single-A Lakewood and Clearwater

Dominic Brown(Clearwater, ADV-A): 34 G, .328 BA, 125 AB, 41 H, 6 HR, 29 RBI

My thoughts: I like what I’m seeing from this kid. If he continues to put up these kinds of numbers he will find himself at Reading real fast. He will be a decent if not good outfielder in a few years.

Zachary Collier (Lakewood, A): 34 G, .254 BA, 122 AB, 31 H, 7 RBI, 10 SB

Jason Knapp(Lakewood, A): 2-3, 8 G, 8 GS, 3.38 ERA, 72.0 IP, 27 BB, 96 BB

Kyle Drabek(Clearwater, ADV-A): 3-0, 8 G, 7 GS, 2.53 ERA, 46.2 IP, 15 BB, 58 SO

My thoughts: a first round pick of the Phillies from 2006 who has recovered from what I will call a successful Tommy John surgery. He is doing well at Clearwater, look for him to be at Double-A Reading by the middle of the season.

Last but not least: the J.C. Romero watch:

Only 12 more days (June 2) until reliever J.C. Romero returns from his 50 game suspension for testing positive of a banned substance. It might be that Taschner will draw the short straw if Escalona is already sent down.

An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part Deux

…And now we return to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Yes, welcome back to part two of my two-part introspective look at Cole Hamels. So continuing our discussion on Cole Hamels, let me first start off by thanking the fine people at Cole Hamels Facts [dot] com.

So where did I leave off… oh, yeah the canonizing sainthood thing. If Cole Hamels was a country on his own, which he is, his chief export is/would be K’s. Barack Obama did not run against John McCain, because all of the Red States voted for Cole Hamels.

On the hit television show 24, whenever protagonist Jack Bauer needs help, he calls Cole Hamels. You don’t see Jack make the phone call, because it would shred Jack’s credibility as a terrorist fighter.

In honor of Cole, the national speed limit will be set to 35.

Cole Hamels actually won the final presidential debate while winning the clinching game five of the NLCS. Cole Hamels is the only person who is legally allowed to hunt any animal from a helicopter. He just throws fastballs at them, and occasionally at Sarah Palin to make sure she understands the “law.”

When people consult Cole Hamels on things, he always says yes, and it’s always good advice. Charles Darwin’s Theory says, “Survival of the fittest.” Cole Hamels’s Theory says, “The Mets will lose to Cole Hamels.”

Gotham has Batman and Robin. Philadelphia has Cole Hamels and Cole Hamels. Boston lost the last game of the ALCS on purpose.

Manny Ramirez called his old team and warned them about Cole Hamels making them look pathetic in front of a national audience.

Rick Ankiel lost his ability to throw strikes because he had a nightmare about Cole Hamels.

To save the country from financial crisis, whenever the DOW shows a downward trend Cole will throw a fastball. The DOW will immediately rise to its highest average ever. To commemorate Cole, the New York Stock Exchange will be renamed the Cole Hamels Stock Exchange.

The Phillies-Dodgers confrontation started when Shane Victorino heard Hiroki Kuroda say Cole Hamels isn’t handsome. Manny Ramirez wears a wig made out of Cole’s hair.  Therefore, all those lame Dodgers fans wearing those ridiculous fake dreadlocks are indirectly paying tribute to Cole.

That theory by some dead math guy states that: A squared + B squared= C squared. Well according to modern day math people, A squared + B squared = Cole Hamels.

The New England Patriots contacted Cole Hamels about being Tom Brady’s replacement, but during his tryout Cole broke both of Randy Moss’ hands with his amazing arm.

While in college, Cole Hamels’s professor made him write a 1,000 word essay about the greatest leader in american history, he wrote COLE HAMELS five hundred times and managed to get and A++.

Cole Hamels doesn’t lift weights like most people; that is… because he can’t. They just don’t make weight heavy enough to contain the guns of Cole Hamels. So instead of curling dumbells, Cole Hamels curls baby elephants.

When people need inspiration they pray to god. When Pedro Martinez needs inspiration, he looks at a baseball card of Cole Hamels, which he keeps in his hat. When Cole gets into fights, he punches people so hard that he breaks his own hand.

If Cole really wanted to, he could steal your girl and take care of business with her. He wouldn’t do such things though, because he’s Cole Hamels.

Chuck Norris ain’t got nothing on Cole Hamels. In fact it is said that when Chuck Norris went out for Halloween, he went as Cole Hamels.

Superman may wear Tim Tebow pajamas when he goes to bed; keyword may. It is fact that Superman wears Cole Hamels pajamas when he goes to bed. Cole Hamels would soon be put to work for PSE&G because he always puts opposing batters’ lights out.

When Cole gets Chinese takeout, he uses one chopstick. When he opens his fortune cookie, it says, “You’re Cole Hamels. Lucky Numbers? You tell me”.

By the time Cole has retired, they will have changed the best pitcher award from the Cy Young award, to the Cole Hamels award. Cole will win one Cy Young and 11 Cole Hamels.

Back to them math guys, they you can’t divide by zero. But Cole Hamels can.

US intelligence thought they had proof that Iran was testing nuclear weapons, but in fact it was just the sound of Cole Hamels’s fastball hitting a catcher’s mitt in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Cole’s changeup is so deadly that it used to be a federal offense. Cole had to get himself elected to the Supreme Court in order to change the law.

36 countries have national defense strategies designed to protect themselves against Cole’s left arm. Those plans are futile. Did you know that as young kid, Cole Hamels once had 27 strikeouts. It was a Tee-ball league.

George Bush claimed that the federal government was monitoring Cole Hamels actions because, “Any man with a changeup that deceptive must be monitored for national security reasons.” In actuality, Bush is afraid Hamels may attempt to have sex with his twin daughters. He already has, twice.

Upon hearing an ignorant fan leading and E-A-G-L-E-S cheer at a Phillies game, Cole Hamels approached the man and told him that he had lost the respect of Cole Hamels. The man was paralyzed with shame and died of hunger three weeks later.

Speaking of hunger, the famous Pat’s and Geno’s Steaks have since changed their respective named to Cole’s and Hamels’s out of genuine respect for Cole.

Alright here is are the final facts about Cole Hamels. Cole is so great that he makes suicide commit life. The only certainties in life are death, taxes, and Cole Hamels. Because of their effect on women, Cole Hamels’s pitching reels are considered pornography in 35 countries.

Last but not least: Chase Utley was heard saying during the introductions at the HR Derby, “BOO ? F*&# You.” He actually said, “NO COLE ? F&*# You.”

So that is Cole Hamels* in brief. I could make a ten to twenty part miniseries article on who Cole Hamels really is. But I won’t. But I will ask if anyone wants me to create a third and final article on Cole Hamels?

So the floor is open to you, the reader: “Should I make a part three about Cole Hamels?”

*Note: all facts and information are provided by CHF, Cole Hamels Facts [dot] com.

An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part One

So who is Cole Hamels? Well, Wikipedia defines Cole Hamels as “a left-handed starting pitcher who plays for the Philadelphia Phillies of Major League Baseball.”

Yeah, but who is the real Colbert Michael Hamels?

Hamels is really 100 feet tall. He just shortened himself to Major League standards. That way, hitters might have a chance in the batter’s box against him.

DNA tests will conclusively prove that Jamie Moyer is Hamels’s great-great grandfather.

The fact is Hamels is more than a person. He is a myth and legendary folk figure. I mean how else could someone outpitch Steve Carlton before they were born?

Could it be that Hamels is a mythic figure like Odysseus or Achillies? In short: Maybe, I don’t know for sure. What do people think?

So here’s the deal: Hamels. Yes, he is a left-handed starting pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, but he is also a legend. The late and great Harry Kalas once said that he could bring the heat.

It takes a legend to know a legend.

Scientists have tried to find out what the chemical makeup of Hamels is. They discovered that the chemical formula is IP9H0BB0K27, AND that those exact same scientists are renaming the fossil fuel coal.

It’s new name is “Cole”, and it has since become the greatest, never-ending energy source know to mankind.

Moreover, on the scientific part of Hamels, he has his own Periodic Table of Elements. It reads: 1F (fastball), 2Cv (curveball), 3Ch (changeup), 4Fu (brushback). Any exposure to 4Fu is instant death.

When someone asked a fan “who would have really won the 2008 Presidential election,” he responded, “Cole Hamels. But he was too busy winning a World Series for Philadelphia. So he let Barack Obama win.”

Though he’s only 24, Hamels can run for president because his jersey number is 35.

Remember that line from Franklin Roosevelt’s first inagural address during the Great Depression? “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Yeah that line. As it turns out, we may fear fear, but Cole Hamels? Fear fears him.

The only reason he pitches left-handed is because it was too easy pitching right-handed.

Hamels is used by the United States Government as an effective and legal use of torture. The application of mental or physical torture in order to obtain information or confession from a prisoner is commonly referred to as the “third degree”.

The only confirmed act that guarantees 100 percent success in securing information is showing the prisoner a life-size cutout of Hamels holding a baseball, from 60’6″ away.

While scores of people train to compete in the grueling eight-hour Ironman Triathlon (2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike race, and 26.2-mile run in succession), none are willing to take on the rigors of a 10-second Cole Hamels Triathlon, which consists of trying to hit his fastball, curve, and changeup in succession.

That course is simply impossible to complete.

The only way to be canonized into sainthood by the Catholic Church is proof that at least one miracle has been established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten as much as a foul-tip off of a Hamels pitch—and it may never be achieved.

Stick around for part two of my look into Cole Hamels.

Welcome to the Farm: Meet Phillies’ Top Prospect Jason Donald

I would first off like to thank Giants27for the idea. I am a big believer in Intellectual Property (IP for short). Here is his article. I will give credit were credit is due.

 

For a long time, roughly three years, I been going to minor league Phillies games. Cheaper than the big club, but less thrilling. I have watched the likes of Jimmy Rollins, Pat Burrell, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Scott Rolen, Brett Myers, Ryan Madson, and none other than Cole Hamels.

With that in mind, meet the next shortstop/third baseman/utility infielder, and top prospect for the Philadelphia Phillies, Jason Donald.

Of course to start off, Jason Donald was born on Sept. 4, 1984 in Fresno, CA.

Donald, who turns 25 this year, was drafted originally by the Anaheim Angelsin the 20th Round in the 2003 MLB Draft. He was originally drafted out of high school by the Angels, but chose to go to college instead.

He was later drafted by the Philadelphia Philliesin the third round (97th overall) of the 2006 MLB Draft out of the University of Arizona.

Later that year Donald started his professional baseball career at the single-A short season New York-Penn league affiliate, the Batavia Muckdogs.

At Batavia, Donald hit .263 with 56 hits in 213 AB. Donald struckout 42 times while walking 23 and managed to steal 12 bases while only getting caught once. He knocked in 24 with 14 doubles, two triples and one home run.

He had an On Base Percentage of .347 and an OPS of .709.

In 2007, Donald started at class-A Lakewood. At Lakewood, Donald hit .310 with 61 hits in 197 AB. He struckout 39 times while walking 29 times. He knocked in 30 with nine doubles, three triples and five home runs.

At Lakewood, Donald had an On Base Percentage of .409 and a OPS of .855.

Jason would be promoted to the Advanced single-A league affiliate, Clearwater. While at Clearwater, Donald continued to hit the ball well. He hit .300 with 88 hits in .293 AB. He struckout 70 times while walking 35 times.

He also drove in 41 with 22 doubles, five triples, and eight home runs.

Donald’s combined single-A 2007 numbers: 134 G, 490 AB, 149 H, 89 Runs, 12 HR, 31 2B, 8 3B, 71 RBI, 5 SB, .304 BA, .395 OBP, .473 SLG, and .869 OPS.

In 2008, Donald was promoted double-A affiliate, Reading of the Eastern League. At Reading, Donald hit .307 with 111 hits in 362 AB. Donald struckout 86 times, but walked 47 times.

He also had 19 doubles, four triples, 14 home runs, 54 RBI and 11 stolen bases. At Reading he had an OBP of .384, a SLG of .497, and an OPS of .889.

In 2008, Donald was selected to the United States Olympic Baseball team for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. In the Bronze Medal Game of the 2008 Olympics, Donald homered and led team USA to a Bronze Medal.

Donald led his Olympic team in batting average, on base percentage, and slugging percentage in which he hit .381 for the Olympic Games.

During the 2008 Minor League seasons, Donald was selected to several All-Star games/ events. Which included the biggest minor league All-Star game of them all, the MLB Future All-Star Game. He also participated in the 2008 double-A, Eastern League All-Star Game.

Right now, Donald is playing with the triple-A affiate of the Phillies: The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.

During the 2009 Spring Training, the Phillies had Donald start and play games at third base. This was because the Phillies were not sure if current third baseman, Pedro Felizwas going to be ready by Opening Day. Feliz was recovering from off-season back surgery.

Donald was also considered one of the front-runners for a spot on the bench on the Phillies 25 man roster, along with John Mayberry Jr., Lou Marson, Miguel Cairo, Pablo Ozuna, and Marcus Giles. Donald was sent down to triple-A along with Mayberry, Marson, and Ozuna.

My opinion on Jason Donald? Well, I think that he has the talent to become an All-Star in the Majors. If either Rollins or Feliz get injured look for the Phillies to call-up Donald and possibly platoon him with either Greg Dobbs and Eric Bruntlett.

Stats are courteously provided by Baseball Reference

His Bio is brought to you by Wikipedia.