Cliff Lee Concludes Interview with Loud Fart, Asks If Reporters Got It on Tape

If there are no more questions, Cliff Lee would like to end this interview on a wet, crinkly note. 

After two months on the disabled list, the Philadelphia Phillies starter returned to the mound in uninspiring form Monday night, chalking up one of the worst games of his career against the San Francisco Giants (12 hits, six runs in just under six innings).

It was a night to forget for Lee, who could be hopping towns if the Phillies can convince an eligible suitor to take a chance on the 35-year-old lefty and pick up the $12.5 million buyout left on his contract.

Thus, Lee concluded what could have been one of his final interviews in a Phillies uniform with a definitive (ceremonious?) passing of gas. 

CSNPhilly.com (h/t Barry Petchesky of Deadspin) was on hand to capture the endearing moment.

After halfheartedly going through the postgame motions with reporters (he wants to win games; he’s not worried about leaving Philly), Lee waited patiently for a final question from the pack.

The pause soured into awkwardness, and, sensing conclusion, Lee adjourned the forum with a judicious gavel clap of butt thunder.

Is there any punctuation in public discourse more final than the screech of the barking spider? I believe there is not. 

No matter how serious the business or matter afoot, it will be derailed—if not ended entirely—by the sound of the boxer bugle’s crisp reveille. Farts end discussions and, as Lee proved, introduce newer, deeper lines of conversation. 

“Did you get that on tape?” Lee asked, not in the least ashamed.

Yes, the reporters got that all down, and if Mr. Lee believes his bottom was misquoted, he may take that up with the editors at CSN.

 

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Lenny Dykstra Had a Confrontation with Ex-Teammate Mitch Williams at a Mall

Former Philadelphia Phillies stars Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams were allegedly involved in an altercation at an autograph signing at a Philadelphia mall, according to Kyle Scott of CrossingBroad.com (h/t Mike Foss of For The Win).

Dykstra and Williams had been teammates on the Phillies team that fell to the Toronto Blue Jays in the 1993 World Series. Both men were in attendance at the signing and pent-up emotions allegedly boiled over into a brief, physical confrontation.

CrossingBroad.com posted a video of the tail-end of the confrontation taken by a fan on the scene. 

Warning: Video features NSFW language.

The incident occurred at First and Goal Sports in the Granite Run Mall on Saturday. Fans at the signing said the hostility began when Williams arrived on the scene and rebuffed a greeting from Dykstra.

Dykstra extended his hand to Williams, who slapped it away and muttered, “I’m not shaking your ****ing hand.”

Things were defused, however, when former Phillies catcher Darren Daulton (who was also on hand for the signing) interposed himself between the two and led Williams from the store.

The incident occurred in front of “40 to 50 people,” according to Scott’s report. Children were also present for the less than pleasant scene.

Clearly, some bad blood from the 1993 World Series loss continues to flow between these two men.

Dykstra went on “The Alex Jones Show” in 2011 and trashed Williams, blaming his former teammate for the team’s loss and claiming the defeat “tortured” him to this day.

So yes, there are still issues to be resolved here, if resolution is even a possibility at this point.

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Drunk Phillies Fan Gets Branded with Hot Spatula at Tailgate

Mmmm, breathe it in.

That’s the fresh air of baseball season—hot dogs cooking on the grill, beer brats stewing in their juices and the acrid smell of human flesh burning in the parking lot. 

Yes, “human being” was added to the list of things cooking outside Citizens Bank Park when one Philadelphia Phillies fan became far too overzealous with his use of barbecuing instruments and seared a hot-off-the-grill spatula into the buttocks of another Phillies fan. 

Warning: Video contains nudity, people-burning and profanity. So know that.

It’s well known that Phillies fans at tailgates get weirder and rowdier than a forest of drunk fruit bats, and this incident begs a handful of questions.

Which came first: The drunk guy laying on the ground or the idea to sear the spatula into another human being? Did he pass out there with his pants down? Or did this individual willingly lay down for this futile experiment?

Obviously, there had to have been riot punch consumed before this unceremonious occasion, considering only a beverage with a heavy payload of grain alcohol could keep a man this calm while being branded. 

We’ve seen some strange things happen at Phillies games, however, not the least of which involved a young fan storming the field in 2010 and receiving a taser blast courtesy of stadium security. 

Or blasting each other with Roman candles and flipping cars while celebrating winning their way into the World Series in 2009.

As you can see, this spatula incident is just the latest and most painful occurrence that Phillies fans have inflicted on one another, and it’s not likely to be the last thing we see from this season.

In the meantime, someone get this man some rubbing alcohol or some riot punch to sterilize his burned bottom.

Nothing says “Go team” like grill marks: Dr__Carson

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Philly Phanatic Makes Out with Smokin’ Reporter on Live Television

Waving to fans, sweating buckets and posing generally make up the list of the day’s activities for most mascots. 

But every once in a while, they get to do something special, such as puckering up with a smoking traffic reporter on television like the Philly Phanatic did Tuesday. 

Video has surfaced of Fox’s Philadelphia news personality Kacie McDonnell sharing more or less a voluntary smooch with the Phillies mascot during a live traffic broadcast. The large furry creature had been dyed red in honor of Philadelphia’s “Paint the Town” event, and he ran into the shot jacked up and ready to go as usual.

Judging by the way McDonnell’s voice hops up a few octaves, either the Phanatic was running at her from off-camera or she is terrified of large-nosed mascots. Nevertheless, McDonnell starts talking home runs, winning seasons and World Series rings.

Obviously, hearing these words from this young lady is too much for the Phanatic, who grabs her and goes in for the two-second Frencher (not the first time it’s kissed someone in front of thousands). 

McDonnell shouts, people in the studio go “Whoop!” and the Philly Phanatic hits the floor like a sack of potatoes. As one would expect, the joke was taken in the awesome good humor it deserves.

“I guess I have a new boyfriend,” McDonnell said.

You mean to replace your old ex, Christian Ponder? Well, he’s not much for looks with that schnoz and the ring of belly fat, but hey—at least he’s famous. 

(h/t SportsGrid)

Let me be the Phanatic. They won’t even have to pay me in gum: Dr__Carson

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